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Fruit of the Lame

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The things that you’re accountable to apprehend in the Bible

Absolutely not in a Metro car

Bruce Springstein-Goldfarb

The California Raisinets

Definitely Not Control-Top Pantyhose

Angelina Jolie’s pinkie

Rock-Paper- Scissors for Dummies

Brown v. Board of Zoning Appeals, Gaithersburg

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Pyramus and Frisbee

Maxwell’s Alabastrite? Ball Peen Hammer

Once again, you are on “Jeopardy!” Above are the answers. You accumulation the questions to as abounding as you like. Fortunately, you don’t accept to acquaint the Empress some allegedly agreeable actuality about yourself, as you would accept to acquaint Alex Trebek. Aloof as fortunately, the Empress does not accept to accord you bags of dollars for losing. She will, however, accord you the afterward for Losing:

Champ receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Aboriginal runner-up gets the accomplished aggregate “You Accept Head Lice!,” an easy-reader book with lots of acceptable photos, donated by Brendan Beary of Abundant Mills, who wonders what the assertion point is declared to signify. Perhaps the aboriginal chat of the appellation should be “Congratulations.”

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One award-winning per aspirant per week. Accelerate your entries by e-mail to [email protected] or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 13. Include “Week 652” in the accountable bandage of your e-mail, or it risks actuality abandoned as spam. Include your name, postal abode and buzz cardinal with your entry. Contests are advised on amusement and originality. All entries become the acreage of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for aftertaste or content. Results will be appear April 2. No acquirement appropriate for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their actual relatives, are not acceptable for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised appellation for aing week’s challenge was beatific in by both Steve Langer of Chevy Chase and Tom Witte of Montgomery Village, and maybe some others.

Report from Anniversary 648

In which we asked for asinine questions to ask the poor bodies who man the buzz curve for customer artefact information, an action pursued consistently by Washington Post Magazine aesthetics columnist Gene Weingarten. And in an account accepted ahead alone to phenomenally agreeable above Post columnist Bob Levey, Gene himself was acceptable to accept this week’s champ and Losers from amid a account of 74 finalists.

4 To Pampers: “It says ‘for up to 25 pounds.’ Isn’t that . . . affectionate of a lot of poop?” (Brenda Ware Jones, Jackson, Miss.; Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.)

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3 To Blue Cross: “After a night of abundant drinking, I woke up to acquisition an angel of Muhammad tattooed on my . Do you anticipate you ability awning boom abatement in this one case? It ability be a appealing big bloom affair for me if I don’t do something.” (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

2 The champ of the bank blind of an angel with Christmas lights on her head: To The Washington Post: “I’m apprehensive about your name. I mean, you don’t absolutely bear the cardboard by mail anymore. Wouldn’t it be added authentic to alarm yourselves The Washington Guy Driving a Minivan?” (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the Champ of the Inker

1 To Unilever Corp.: “Why do your Dove Bars aftertaste like soap?” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Honorable Mentions

Depends: “Do you accept a agnate product, but one that is maybe added like For Sure?” (Russell Beland)

Maytag: “Hey, aback you’ve got these adjustment guys sitting about accomplishing nothing, could you accelerate one over to my abode to fix my Amana?” (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Quikrete: “You know, youse guys anytime anticipation of putting a blueprint on the bag to say how abundant accurate you charge to bore a 200-pound, um, object? And youse could amalgamation it with a appropriate added ample bucket, ’cause some bodies got big anxiety to go forth with their big mouths, ya apperceive what I’m sayin’?” (Brendan Beary)

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Morton’s Kosher Salt: “Is it accept to put this on ham?” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Lockheed Martin: “Yes, I’m calling about your F-22 avant-garde air ahead Raptor fighter. I see actuality that they are activity to advertise for about $200 actor each, and I’m aloof apprehensive if you accept appropriate costs plans, or maybe a manufacturer’s rebate?” (Russell Beland)

Head & Shoulders: “My beard looks great, but I don’t anticipate my amateur attending any bigger at all. Am I accomplishing article wrong?” (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Lysol: “Your characterization says your artefact kills 99.9 percent of bacilli in 30 abnormal — but what about that 0.1 percent? Isn’t that boxy little booger the one I should absolutely be afraid about? What do I use to annihilate HIM?” (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

Northwest Airlines: “I apperceive you guys fly from Miami to Chicago, ’cause that’s northwest. But how am I activity to get back? Do I charge to accomplish a catch on Southwest? But again how do I get east?” (Jeff Brechlin)

Alpha-Bits: “Every box of your atom has some squiggly pieces that don’t attending like any apparent letter. Are you aggravating to Arabic belletrist in, thereby acceptable and abetting terrorists aural our borders by accouterment them a advantageous counterbalanced breakfast?” (Brendan Beary)

Meow Mix: “My babe seems to like your product, but aback I try to accomplish her ask for it by name, like you say, she doesn’t get the ‘Mix’ allotment at all. Should I try addition brand?” (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Pez: “Please help! Article appears to be lodged in his throat!” (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

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Riverside Press: “About your big book with the Shakespeare plays? Well, in that ‘Julius Caesar’ one, some guy says, “The alarm addled three,” and that’s brainless because they didn’t accept arresting clocks aback then. And so I was apprehensive if you could fix that.” (Ken Rosenau, Washington)

Scope: “I accept a compound that calls for creme de menthe, but I’m all out and was apprehensive what the agnate bulk of Scope would be.” (Art Grinath)

Audubon Society : “Hi, we get aching doves at our bird feeder, and I was apprehensive if you had any acceptable recipes. My bedmate brand ambrosial dishes, if that helps. Thanks!” (Jeff Brechlin)

Bayer: “I am demography your One-A-Day 50 Plus multivitamins, and I apprehension that they are ‘high potency.’ Should I not booty them at breakfast, then? Because I don’t apperceive how almighty I appetite to be at the office, abnormally now that I accept that hot new boss.” (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Abstinent Atlantic: “I’m aerial to London for a bandage trip, but aftermost night I went to third abject with my boyfriend, but that’s still a virgin, right? I can still use my ticket?” (Jeff Brechlin)

9Lives: “My cat aloof died. If I blimp a little of your artefact into his mouth, do you anticipate it would help?” (Roger Dalrymple)

Flintstones Chewable Vitamins: “The characterization says ‘Keep out of ability of children.’ So do I charge to being them bottomward my kid’s throat while his easily are tied? Or do I accept to shoot him with some array of vitamin gun?” (Jay Shuck)

Miracle Whip: “On your characterization it gives a compound for authoritative a turkey sandwich: Spread aliment with dressing; top with lettuce, tomatoes and turkey, awning with actual aliment slice. I admiration if you accept a added abundant set of directions.” (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

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Deer Park water: “You know, our bodies are about 60 percent water. Can you agreement that none of your baptize has anytime been allotment of people? Otherwise, isn’t your artefact appealing abundant cannibalism?” (Brendan Beary)

New York Yankees: “Is ‘Yankees’ abbreviate for ‘Yankees suck’?” (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

General Motors: “I overheard my babe acquaint her admirer that she was activity to accord him a Hummer, and I’m aggravating to acquisition out how abundant this is activity to set her back.” (Jeff Brechlin)

Honda: “Yes, I’m cerebration of affairs an Odyssey. Aback it’s called afterwards a 20-year boating of appalling denial and a a absolute accident of life, is that what I can expect? ‘Cause my wife, Penelope, she swears a minivan can’t possibly aftermost 20 years.” (Russell Beland)

Hertz: “You acclimated to accept those absolutely beautiful ads with the football amateur active through the airport jumping over suitcases? How appear you chock-full active those? Whatever happened to that guy?” (Ken Rosenau)

Dell: “Are your computers Y2K-compatible?” (Jonathan Markoff, Vienna)

Aing Week: Across the Wide What? or Shenand’oh!

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